should I be on a diet?

Today I was captured by elves and dragged to a little cottage in woods where I tried to avoid discussing dieting (at length) with three women who feel they must lose weight. I like these people but I was about to lose my mind at several junctures — calorie talk makes me crazy!

I was the second smallest of the group, weighing in at about 20 lbs more than the most slender contestant — err person — and she’s not fat at all. At this most, she’s slightly rounded in the mid-zone. She’s also taller than I am, which leads me to believe I just need to grow six inches and all my chubby troubles will vanish into thin air.

But back to the contest — err story — the three hatched a plan to slim together. A wagering element is a key component of the plan, as it serves as the primary motivational tool.

My opinions on dieting were listened to with mild amusement. I outlined my non-diet plan to the group but they decided not to embrace it

My diet plan:

  • eat more fruits and vegetables
  • skip the fries often (but not always) and have a salad
  • eat meats if you like meat, just avoid fatty cuts
  • hamburgers rarely and sandwiches often
  • cheese is a food group
  • skip dessert unless you’re really in the mood for a sweet treat
  • eat candy once in a while

I’ve been trying to make better food choices in the last few months but I’m not on a diet. In fact, I have never been on a diet in my life. Am I fat? You bet — I could lose 40 or 50 pounds. Am I worried? Nope, I figure I will eventually get smaller if I eat better but I’m not going to obsess about it.

When I get up in the morning, I don’t put on my clothes and weep. I look in the mirror and see a delightfully appealing woman.

Am I deluded? I don’t thinks so. I’m aware that I’m fat but I don’t think that means I’m not attractive. And I know I’m fashionable.

But above all I feel pretty — except for my crepey eyelids — I may be anti-diet but I’m not at all opposed to subtle cosmetic enhancements when the time comes….

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