I’d rather eat near the kitchen…

Heard all over the city on the first warm day of Spring: “Oh, let’s find a patio!”…. and every nice day thereafter until the first frost.

I’ll sit on a patio and I’ll have a few drinks. Maybe a snack or even a bigger bite, too. But I won’t be happy. (I’ll look happy enough though because I’m good at that.)

I hate drinking or dining outside. Here’s why:

  1. It’s usually too hot.
  2. You can bet it’ll be too humid, too.
  3. A sunburned nose is likely.
  4. Flies.
  5. Wasps.
  6. Bees.
  7. Mosquitos.
  8. All of the above trying to get into my food/drink and/or on my person.
  9. People talk very loudly when socializing outdoors — sure this makes eavesdropping easier than usual but the conversations are rarely interesting.
  10. Seating is usually much less comfortable on the beloved patios of our city.
  11. Servers on patios are more apt to say “Hi guys, what can I get you.” I hate being called guy. I prefer gals or ladies. In mixed company, just “Hi, what can I get you.” works well. Servers: you is plural — you can just leave it at that.
  12. Napkins and a breeze — not a good mix

I also hate eating outside at BBQ’s and don’t even mention camping. But I’m a ton of fun otherwise. Invite me over for a drink — you’ll see.

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