There are better reasons…there must be…

I didn’t quit smoking because I am expecting — this will not be a shock to any long-time readers.

I’m not hardcore — I like (some) people’s children. Plus, I have no doubt that my friends with kids had better reasons for procreation than the ones that were printed in the National Post recently See: 40 reasons to have children.

Here are my thoughts on the reasons put forth…

• Kids love parents unconditionally, even as adults.

Wishful thinking on the part of some parents.

• Going to the zoo is so much more fun with kids.

And why would you go to the zoo without kids unless you loved the zoo more than going out for a lovely brunch?

• Kids love to bake.

And I don’t. So what would the point of that be?

• Their successes give you reason to feel proud, if not because you helped, then because they are related.

That’s nice and all but what’s wrong with feeling proud of one’s own successes? What if you kids are not very accomplished? Do you need to have more or risk damage to your self-esteem?

• Kids give the best hugs.

Kids hug me sometimes — not random ones — it’s nice but the best ever? No.

• Nothing smells better than freshly washed kids.

Well, better than the zoo anyway.

• Who is going to mow the lawn?

Get a condo, sister! No lawn, no eavestroughs, no driveway…

• Who takes out the garbage?

People have kids because they are too lazy to take out their own garbage? I don’t like washing the floors myself…let me check my ovaries.

• Kids make you laugh more, and that creates good brain chemicals.

Lots of things make me laugh. I laugh all day long.

• Kids make you sing more — even more good brain chemicals.

I sing all day — ask my office mates. I’m not sure what it does for their brain chemical situation.

• Chai wallahs — need I say more?

I have no idea what a chai wallah is. I know chai is tea. I like that. But what the hell’s wallah? Sounds Australian.

• Kids help you to slow down and appreciate simple things.

But I like fast and complicated things.

• You get to colour, paint, cut and paste whenever you like.

I’ll pass. I prefer to read books in the tub.

• Chinese checkers.
• Monopoly.
• The Game of Life.
• Risk.

Board games? Maybe Scrabble with people who can spell. Big people. Maybe. Again, I’d rather soak in the tub.

• You can beat someone at Bop It and Tetris.

I can do that now.

• Someone in the house knows how to work your iPod/phone/camera/DVD player.

People buy things they don’t know how to use?

• Kids help you meet and keep in touch with the neighbours.

Did I mention the joys of condo life? People are aloof. Why in the world would you want to keep in touch with the strange people who live next door?

• Kids will talk to your parents for hours on the phone.

If someone doesn’t want to talk to their parents who am I to judge.

• Idyllic minor league baseball championships at tree-canopied fields on Saturdays in August.

Idyllic? How many Saturdays in August are we talking about? There are only four and usually one is already obliterated due to a wedding. I’d rather wash my windows.

• Your husband buys everyone doughnuts when the kids play well.

I don’t like donuts. Even free ones. I woudn’t care if the kids won or lost, either. Do the losers not deserve donuts? What kind of lesson is that?

• You get to listen to children’s choirs several times a year.

I’d rather mow someone else’s lawn in the rain.

• It’s fun to see their senses of humour develop.

What if they develop a cheesy one? What then?

• Reading aloud.

Get a job in PR — you can do this everyday.

• The sounds of happy kids playing together makes the heart swell.

Until the baseball comes sailing through the front window.

• Kids like to fold laundry — go figure.

Kids create mountains of laundry and I have a feeling they don’t fold it very well.

• You get to see the sun come up on the way to hockey practice in December.

The day I am up at sunrise in December is the day I’m on my way to the airport for an international vacation.

• You get to see beautiful sunsets on the way home from hockey practice in July.

More hockey in July. Hockey is multi-seasonal? Isn’t soccer cheaper and less time-consuming?

• You never have to grocery shop alone — and they help load the bags.

I prefer Grocery Gateway.

• Grocery shopping alone sometimes feels like a special treat.

See above.

• Kids love camping.

I’d rather perform my own tooth extraction with rusty grapefruit spoon than go camping.

• Kids think that bugs and fossils are very cool.

So do a bunch of people I work with but they get paid to think so.

• Kids are not self-conscious about dancing/ singing in public.

Thankfully they outgrow this.

• Kids think you’re a doctor because you can clean and bandage a scrape.

Stupid kids maybe. Don’t most kids know what their parents do at work.

• Kids think that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are the best dinner ever.

Are kids not supposed to eat fresh vegetables and stuff for dinner?

• Kids like to grow things.

Yeah but do they like to weed the garden?

• Kids love to dress up in old clothes.

So do the hipsters in Kensington Market.

• Sleeping kids are a most peaceful sight.

And then they wake of screaming from a stomach ache — no doubt due to too much peanut butter and jam for dinner.