Category: Life

Today I was captured by elves and dragged to a little cottage in woods where I tried to avoid discussing dieting (at length) with three women who feel they must lose weight. I like these people but I was about to lose my mind at several junctures — calorie talk makes me crazy!

I was the second smallest of the group, weighing in at about 20 lbs more than the most slender contestant — err person — and she’s not fat at all. At this most, she’s slightly rounded in the mid-zone. She’s also taller than I am, which leads me to believe I just need to grow six inches and all my chubby troubles will vanish into thin air.

But back to the contest — err story — the three hatched a plan to slim together. A wagering element is a key component of the plan, as it serves as the primary motivational tool.

My opinions on dieting were listened to with mild amusement. I outlined my non-diet plan to the group but they decided not to embrace it

My diet plan:

• eat more fruits and vegetables
• skip the fries often (but not always) and have a salad
• eat meats if you like meat, just avoid fatty cuts
• hamburgers rarely and sandwiches often
• cheese is a food group
• skip dessert unless you’re really in the mood for a sweet treat
• eat candy once in a while

I’ve been trying to make better food choices in the last few months but I’m not on a diet. In fact, I have never been on a diet in my life. Am I fat? You bet — I could lose 40 or 50 pounds. Am I worried? Nope, I figure I will eventually get smaller if I eat better but I’m not going to obsess about it.

When I get up in the morning, I don’t put on my clothes and weep. I look in the mirror and see a delightfully appealing woman.

Am I deluded? I don’t thinks so. I’m aware that I’m fat but I don’t think that means I’m not attractive. And I know I’m fashionable.

But above all I feel pretty — except for my crepey eyelids — I may be anti-diet but I’m not at all opposed to subtle cosmetic enhancements when the time comes….

It’s really late and I’m very wide awake. No, I don’t have insomnia — this is typical. I just answered some work email and now I’m thinking about getting a snack. Most people have been sleeping for hours but I’m not tired. Not at all. I could start cleaning the house now, I’ve got so much energy — and indeed the house could use some attention.

But I will be tired in the morning. I struggle to release myself from the bedclothes. Luckily, this passes by the time I’ve completed my morning ablutions and I’m quite awake by the time I’m at the streetcar stop. And after my morning coffee (which I have at work) I’m practically vibrating with awakeness.

But geez, waking up is the hardest part of my day. It’s not that I’m dreading the day ahead. I enjoy being at work — it’s dragging myself into the shower that I can’t stand.

So, since I’m up anyway, I decided to see if this condition has a name.

It does. I think I have delayed sleep phase syndrome.

Attempting to force oneself through 9–5 life with DSPS has been compared to constantly living with 6 hours of jet lag. Often, sufferers manage only a few hours sleep a night during the working week, then compensate by sleeping until the afternoon on weekends. Sleeping in on weekends, and/or taking long naps during the day, gives people with the disorder relief from daytime sleepiness but also perpetuates the late sleep phase.

Bingo. I don’t get much sleep during the workweek — five hours is typical. I can (and do) sleep in very late on the weekends but that’s because I fall asleep so late.

By the time DSPS sufferers receive an accurate diagnosis, they often have been misdiagnosed or labeled as lazy and incompetent workers or students for years.

Not me. No one would describe me as a lazybones. Well, if you’ve seen me throw the alarm clock on the floor and whack it with a pillow that phrase might cross your mind.